Journal 131 : The struggle of an Introvert

Today is a very bad day for me. I cried my sadness just now and now I can't see my laptop screen without it feels too bright or too dark while wearing my glasses. It's a tough first day of new semester. Actually, it is my final semester now. You know what, final semester means you passed the awkward moment you had with your classmates, but it seems that my first impression on them was not good enough for them to regard me as merely a good person. (I just met my new classmates in third semester, now is my sixth semester). Apparently , they remembered it so well that I broke their heart last year, by my foolish act and their stinginess (if there is any noun for stingy). and I thought it was already OK until this morning when this girl mentally knocked me off by saying "so Jessica, you only follow the crowd..." saying it with a judging tone. well, here I will explain why she said that to me when the class in a silence state of group discussion.

How do you feel to come to the class on first day in the morning after 3 months holiday and suddenly the lecturer asked you to think of an idea for a big project that we gonna do for this semester? Of course you will be blank. At first , I was very blank, but then I warmed up, I think of some ideas, about the current issue, which is safety awareness, I was thinking of making an event where we can do workshop on safety awareness. I thought of all those possibilities inside my little brain during the group discussion. My introvert personality told me that I better not open my mouth till I settled with a very good idea to be presented meanwhile my group mates are engaged in a pointless discussion (IMO, because in the end there is no conclusion and solution). So , while i was thinking of their ideas and finding ways that might be compromised, and browsed for my own idea, this girl said that. great isn't it? dramatic, saying it in a judging , sarcastic tone, while everyone was quiet to hear it clearly. thank you. I have an opinion the reason behind her saying those words, because in this group project, we gonna marks our group members individually, whether they contribute in the ideas or not. well, i think i can guess that my individual marks gonna be so low because they were already blinded by the past , so I have no argument to counter it. do i have it? moreover, i hate confrontation. seriously, world would be peaceful if we can say nice things to others, think the best of others, but it seems impossible when people is full of themselves, people are already suspicious to each other.

while i'm talking about being introvert, well yes i'm an introvert in extrovert-disguised. i took that 16 personality test, and my result is the rarest of the rarest, INFJ. seriously... i hate to say this but , this test, is telling more about me. although some things are not right, cz of course ppl will have it different in each other. different upbringing, environment, family situation, education, and many other factors that can affect someone's personality. but yeah INFJ, trying to be a perfect person, who tried to make ppl happy but tired easily. haha. i'm not perfect, i don't look for perfection, only sincerity. why this is so hard?

i might add that i feel thankful that i still have friends who will still believe in me, my family who always cherishes me and supports me through the hard times, struggling here living alone. I know i need to be independent, but human needs people around them who will support them and be there for them. no one can live alone. i remembered during my 3 months holiday back in hometown, that's the first time after one year I laughed so hard and so much. I felt truly happy for the first time. every time i'm with my family and my closest friends, i'm the happiest. XD miss my dad so much. he's the one who can always make a joke in family, with the help of my super sarcastic little brother XD
i always feel sad and wanting to cry every time i remember about my family in hometown :')

(in the midst of drowsiness i wrote this post. sorry for grammar mistake and weird sentences)


Journal 130: The past that I don't regret

I remember it so clear when I was young, still in high school, it's like 5 and half years ago, I had this wild imagination of helping my friends and getting my own chance to finally get close to this person. I made a bizarre , stupid lie to that person, and somehow, that lie made us become further than before. We never spoke to each other anymore, not even chatting through social media. That person, might not be my first crush, but I remembered that I like that person because that person is fun, cute, kind and good to many people. I like that person because that person is unique, that person made me see that this world is not as boring and flat as I thought. Actually, I didn't regret it. I didn't regret that lie, because somehow, it was my childish way to get closer to that person. It was my one time chance to be with that person. but what can i do when that person was already together with my friend? I don't even know it, until one year passed. it was a big hit to me, I like that person so much, but I don't wanna hate my friend, because I like my friend too. It was childish, but I don't regret it. That person is one of my memory, a very high spirit memory. lol

and many other stupid things I have done when I was young. well, it's weird to say "when i was young" since , clearly, i'm still considered as young though. ;)

that person might be my first love , but maybe in any sequence of many of my crush. i don't know. that person is the kind of person that i would love to be, being kind and fun, sincere and unique. too bad we don't even contact each other now. :)


Journal 129: Di(e)ssertation

Finally, my end semester... however, the end is still quite long way to go and I need to face the biggest obstacle ever happen in my uni life: DISSERTATION. yes, that's what you need to do to graduate from uni, get to go to your convocation, finally leaving the uni for good, but you need to do an in-depth research of a topic that related to your course first.

I think I'm in deep sh*t now as I'm very very bad in doing research.. I hate research, except for finding things that I'm interested in, although even I'm interested in one thing, I won't do a thorough research, just the surface. in-depth research is something I hate. I need to collect information and all and do the questionnaires, and before that I can't even think a single topic that I want to search since I'm a natural curious person. I'm curious in everything and after I knew about it, I will leave it alone and on quest to find other things. but I won't do in-depth findings, you got me there?

I need people to help me now to get through this, I don't know how to do it in the first place. I have no freaking idea about this. huhuhu. I was hoping my lecturer can help me, but she said we must do it by ourselves. and fyi, I'm a person who needs to read a manual book just to operate a smartphone so that I won't do anything wrong or outsmarted by my phone. manual book is important, it guides you to things you gonna explore later. they guide you to not doing anything foolish. hahaha

wish me luck in doing this dissertation. hope i can finish it with a flying colour~ hahaha. yeah, i just wish to pass this dissertation and be done with it. but i will give my best too, don't think otherwise. :p


Journal 128: Family and Living Alone

It has been 3 years now since I'm studying abroad. At first, I was good with this condition, you know, I feel proud of myself that I can live alone, independently, without my family, especially my mom always by my side. Now, after I came back from a long holiday from my hometown, I feel the loneliness. It is very lonely, you know, to have no one who you can share your story, who will tell you a story that can make you laugh, think and give opinions about. I will warn you first that this post is made out of my homesickness today. I missed my family, they are, I realized, the best thing that ever happened to my life, the best thing I've ever had, and the most important part of me. I might say something bad about them in the past, to show my unsatisfactory towards them, but they are the most I loved, love, and will ever love. hahaha, I used so many tenses, eh?

Time past, gradually, eventually, and I hope I will graduate faster and can come back hometown and meet them again, although I know I'll leave them again for my internship. Life, if it's not about meeting and separation, it's not a real life. Nothing's going on as what you planned in this world.

okay , i guess if i keep writing i'll keep mumbling some words that I was thinking, because actually I have no plan to write this journal again.

Being independent and missing your family is two different things, you can be independent while you are missing them. i guess this is an advice for myself. :))