Journal 123

dedicated to my beloved grandma...

it is hard to keep a happy demeanor when all you wanna do is cry and don't have to explain for it.

I keep telling myself to keep my cry at home but the emotion always comes out in the wrong time when I am not supposed to cry but my eyes end up red and watery. I hate to explain why I keep feeling sad whenever I am outside because I feel even more lonely in the crowds. As I prayed, I can't stop my mind to think about the past, about the memories. My grandma, for all her glowing kindness and wisdom, I would like to say a proper good bye to her. Sayonara, grandma, hope you are happy above there, hope you will reincarnate and be happy, no regrets, and hope all of our families won't be ongoing grief, as we pray for your happiness, we hope you bless us to be happy too, even without you, that our life will go on, but we won't forget you and keep praying for you.

To tell you the truth, I cried before I knew about the news from my mom. It's just a random feeling that I am feeling lonely and suddenly I just cried without reason. I feel so sad but I dunno why. That time, I thought that I was so lonely, so I forced myself to stop crying and singing instead. But I still kept feeling sad at that time. I went to sleep and the next morning, my mom told me that my grandma passed away. She's our most lovely grandma, the warmest grandma I've ever had. Even remembering her is so hard for me... I just can't stop myself from crying. I miss her already that I can't even say the reason why she's so special. The warmest, nicest, wisest person I've ever seen and very glad to have her. She's also strict, that I remember she is the one who taught me how to write well, with the help of my uncle, I stayed at my grandma's house until I can write well without they needed to push me. She always greet us when we come to visit her, told me and my siblings to not make my mom sad or angry to us, make our parents happy, be a proud child for my parents and the family.

We all love you, grandma

and you know what, it is hard for me not to go back and greet you for the last time. and it is very hard for me to keep my happy face as I don't feel like doing it, I just wanna stay in my room and stop doing anything for a while. it is hard for me to accept the reality but I know, Buddha Dhamma teach us that death is certain, and we shouldn't cling on the sadness of it and let it go. Sabbe sankhara anicca.

I hope you are happy now, free from the dukkha, illness, and know that we all love you so much.

and I was hoping, the time when I remember about you again, grandma, I will smile, because the memories that we share is a happy memories.


Journal 122 : Lost

I feel lost and keep asking
"where am I belong to..."
as if this soul has wandered far away
without the remembrance of its root

as I keep walking
this tears won't come out
as I keep going
I held my head high
strength as my virtue
won't let myself down
even though I am lost

lost will not let me stop
I will keep walking till I find the far end
as if I will stop there



Journal 121 : home...

I miss home... feel so lonely here. hahaha.

I want to go back because I don't feel that I have someone who care for me here. not when I'm feeling so sad like this.

I want to go back home, it is hard to keep standing alone when you just don't have someone to support you by your side.

it feels heavy inside my heart... I just wanna go back home to ease it...
maybe I should just go escape myself

home sweet home

home is where I feel I am belonged
home is where I feel people support me
home is where I feel loved
home is where I am back
home is where I have no heavy feeling
when it is time to go back, I have the destination

home is when you feel lonely,
they got your back,
and make you laugh
home is when you feel the world goes against you,
and these people fighting along side you
home is when I have no power to fight,
and they give their shoulder to lean on

home is where I am belonged....

home sweet home


Journal 120

Hola! I am backkkk~ this is the busiest month everrr in my campus life. Oh yeaa, I am still studying, sorry to disappoint you with my old chatty chat in the previous blog. lol. To be honest, I love being busy. lol. It occupies my mind with things I need to do and I keep moving. That's, maybe, one of the secret, why I became quite fat now (move to another restaurant, doing assignment and eat there. lol)

This time has come for me as a semester 4 college student. hell, so many assignments, project assignment, group assignment, presentation. Give me a break please.

and, ohlala, I understand now why the staff in my internship place there always work overtime. The demand of quotations and how 2 people can handle all the requests and tours and still need to follow up until the end of the tours and the clients go back to their home country, is just a REAL deal! Only asking for quotation for 1 tour (from different travel agent) and I'm already going to be a mad girl. lol. Feeling dizzy already @.@

and, ouch, I don't think I will think about love life lately. I guess my busy-ness diverted my mind from being emo and thinking why I'm still single until now. kkkk. well, love will find its right time. If love can't find me, I'm sure as hell gonna go to sleep and watching movies. the hell with love life, I still have chocolate and sweets to pledge their love to me~ :p

wait, what am I doing now? still watching Harry Potter, pausing it for 2 hours more and browsing about the plot story since I watch it without the subtitle and I didn't get it. Continue to open Fb and chatting with my friends. time to get back to Harry Potter. done with assignment, no class for tomorrow, it's time to relax and finish the face mask that I bought (4 masks actually, and all of them are wash-off masks, it will take a longer time than the expiry time of it)

last but not least, say please and thank you, following by a sweet smile to everyone around you is gonna make someone's day!

have a nice day, everyone! :)))


Journal 119: feisty little lady

Wake up in the morning, feeling like to do anything with my laptop and end up having an urge to update my blog. Nee, it has been a while, right? :D and suddenly I got this idea because of one word "feisty". I never know its meaning until I crossed over it yesterday in a novel and because I was soooo curious of its meaning, I searched it in Google and said: spirited, excitable(?), on the other hand it could be mean, easily angered. well, I think, people who have this feisty character must be full of spirit (me too me too!) and feeling like to change my blog link to that name. lol.

I was very busy lately (finally I admit it