18.4.14

Journal 123

dedicated to my beloved grandma...

it is hard to keep a happy demeanor when all you wanna do is cry and don't have to explain for it.

I keep telling myself to keep my cry at home but the emotion always comes out in the wrong time when I am not supposed to cry but my eyes end up red and watery. I hate to explain why I keep feeling sad whenever I am outside because I feel even more lonely in the crowds. As I prayed, I can't stop my mind to think about the past, about the memories. My grandma, for all her glowing kindness and wisdom, I would like to say a proper good bye to her. Sayonara, grandma, hope you are happy above there, hope you will reincarnate and be happy, no regrets, and hope all of our families won't be ongoing grief, as we pray for your happiness, we hope you bless us to be happy too, even without you, that our life will go on, but we won't forget you and keep praying for you.

To tell you the truth, I cried before I knew about the news from my mom. It's just a random feeling that I am feeling lonely and suddenly I just cried without reason. I feel so sad but I dunno why. That time, I thought that I was so lonely, so I forced myself to stop crying and singing instead. But I still kept feeling sad at that time. I went to sleep and the next morning, my mom told me that my grandma passed away. She's our most lovely grandma, the warmest grandma I've ever had. Even remembering her is so hard for me... I just can't stop myself from crying. I miss her already that I can't even say the reason why she's so special. The warmest, nicest, wisest person I've ever seen and very glad to have her. She's also strict, that I remember she is the one who taught me how to write well, with the help of my uncle, I stayed at my grandma's house until I can write well without they needed to push me. She always greet us when we come to visit her, told me and my siblings to not make my mom sad or angry to us, make our parents happy, be a proud child for my parents and the family.

We all love you, grandma

and you know what, it is hard for me not to go back and greet you for the last time. and it is very hard for me to keep my happy face as I don't feel like doing it, I just wanna stay in my room and stop doing anything for a while. it is hard for me to accept the reality but I know, Buddha Dhamma teach us that death is certain, and we shouldn't cling on the sadness of it and let it go. Sabbe sankhara anicca.

I hope you are happy now, free from the dukkha, illness, and know that we all love you so much.

and I was hoping, the time when I remember about you again, grandma, I will smile, because the memories that we share is a happy memories.

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