Journal 131 : The struggle of an Introvert

Today is a very bad day for me. I cried my sadness just now and now I can't see my laptop screen without it feels too bright or too dark while wearing my glasses. It's a tough first day of new semester. Actually, it is my final semester now. You know what, final semester means you passed the awkward moment you had with your classmates, but it seems that my first impression on them was not good enough for them to regard me as merely a good person. (I just met my new classmates in third semester, now is my sixth semester). Apparently , they remembered it so well that I broke their heart last year, by my foolish act and their stinginess (if there is any noun for stingy). and I thought it was already OK until this morning when this girl mentally knocked me off by saying "so Jessica, you only follow the crowd..." saying it with a judging tone. well, here I will explain why she said that to me when the class in a silence state of group discussion.

How do you feel to come to the class on first day in the morning after 3 months holiday and suddenly the lecturer asked you to think of an idea for a big project that we gonna do for this semester? Of course you will be blank. At first , I was very blank, but then I warmed up, I think of some ideas, about the current issue, which is safety awareness, I was thinking of making an event where we can do workshop on safety awareness. I thought of all those possibilities inside my little brain during the group discussion. My introvert personality told me that I better not open my mouth till I settled with a very good idea to be presented meanwhile my group mates are engaged in a pointless discussion (IMO, because in the end there is no conclusion and solution). So , while i was thinking of their ideas and finding ways that might be compromised, and browsed for my own idea, this girl said that. great isn't it? dramatic, saying it in a judging , sarcastic tone, while everyone was quiet to hear it clearly. thank you. I have an opinion the reason behind her saying those words, because in this group project, we gonna marks our group members individually, whether they contribute in the ideas or not. well, i think i can guess that my individual marks gonna be so low because they were already blinded by the past , so I have no argument to counter it. do i have it? moreover, i hate confrontation. seriously, world would be peaceful if we can say nice things to others, think the best of others, but it seems impossible when people is full of themselves, people are already suspicious to each other.

while i'm talking about being introvert, well yes i'm an introvert in extrovert-disguised. i took that 16 personality test, and my result is the rarest of the rarest, INFJ. seriously... i hate to say this but , this test, is telling more about me. although some things are not right, cz of course ppl will have it different in each other. different upbringing, environment, family situation, education, and many other factors that can affect someone's personality. but yeah INFJ, trying to be a perfect person, who tried to make ppl happy but tired easily. haha. i'm not perfect, i don't look for perfection, only sincerity. why this is so hard?

i might add that i feel thankful that i still have friends who will still believe in me, my family who always cherishes me and supports me through the hard times, struggling here living alone. I know i need to be independent, but human needs people around them who will support them and be there for them. no one can live alone. i remembered during my 3 months holiday back in hometown, that's the first time after one year I laughed so hard and so much. I felt truly happy for the first time. every time i'm with my family and my closest friends, i'm the happiest. XD miss my dad so much. he's the one who can always make a joke in family, with the help of my super sarcastic little brother XD
i always feel sad and wanting to cry every time i remember about my family in hometown :')

(in the midst of drowsiness i wrote this post. sorry for grammar mistake and weird sentences)

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