Journal 127 : friends

hola~ it has been a long time since i'm writing. not in the mood to write.

i was thinking about friends. i was wondering, why i have so many people being called as "my friends" when i talk to other people, yet i don't feel the sense of belonging with those people. why those people are simply and easily being called as my friends when i don't ever feel their presence, when i don't ever think about them whenever i need companion. i can't even think who are the closest to me, who are simply just wanna be my friends and won't demand something from me, those who are just gonna fade away after one time introduction.

who are you, my friends? i guess i have no friends. it's hard to have friends. you must have the similar hobbies and all, and actually, face to face, distance , time make most of it to bond people in friendship and i don't have it all. it's hard for me to be involved in face to face conversation. i'm seriously bad in small talk. my socialization level is just 5 out of 100. i'm good in introduction, but if it needs second step , i'm so done. and it makes me feel like the only side who needs to make effort to create this friendship bond. and in the middle of the way, i'll stop myself in making effort, and you guys , those people who called themselves as my friends just gone. in the end of the day, we will just say hi and bye at the same minute. it feels empty , right?

so i won't call of them as my friends. colleagues, acquaintances, housemates, family ties, but no friends. friends are so limited. even they are the most closest, it seems time and distance makes the bond loose.

this is what i get from thinking who can accompany me to spa and seeing my facebook friends which reached to number of 500-ish and i'm wondering, among 500ish, who are the true friends.


Journal 126: 5 centimeters per second

I just finished watching 5 centimeters per second / 秒速5センチメートル / byosoku 5 centimeter and it makes me so saddd and emoooooo (need to hit the wall to feel manly again). The story is about 2 childhood friends who actually love each other, however, the distance did them apart, letters between them can't even close the distance between their heart. in the end, one of them decided to move on, while the other one is still lingering to meet the other. However, they made it through, they moved on, and it is so sad that I expected them to meet and live happily together :'( and the good choice of song, I love it. really pictured me back then.. lol.

if you are in a stage you need to move on, or you are so free that have nothing to do, just watch this movie, so nice and touching. :'(

here is the OST: Masayoshi Yamazaki - One More Time, One More Chance

Original / Romaji Lyrics
kore ijyou nani wo ushinaeba kokoro wa yurusareru no
dore hodo no itaminaraba mou ichido kimi ni aeru
One more time kisetsuyo utsurowanaide
One more time fuzakeatta jikan yo

kuichigau toki wa itsumo boku ga saki ni oretane
wagamama na seikaku ga naosara itoshikusaseta
One more chance kioku ni ashi wo torarete
One more chance tsugi no basho wo erabenai

itsudemo sagashiteiruyo dokka ni kimi no sugata wo
mukai no HOOMU rojiura no mado
konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai noni
negai wa moshimo kanau nara imasugu kimi no moto e
dekinai koto wa mou nani mo nai
subete kakete dakishimete miseru yo

sabishisa magirasu dake nara dare demo ii hazu na noni
hoshi ga ochisouna yoru dakara jibun wo itsuwarenai
One more time kisetsu yo utsurowanaide
One more time fuzakeatta jikan yo

itsudemo sagashiteiruyo dokka ni kimi no sugata wo
kousaten demo yume no naka demo
konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai noni
kiseki ga moshimo okoru nara ima sugu kimi ni misetai
atarashii asa kore kara no boku
ienakatta "suki" to iu kotoba mo

natsu no omoide ga mawaru
fui ni kieta kodou

itsudemo sagashiteiruyo dokka ni kimi no sugata wo
akegata no machi sakuragi chou de
konna toko ni kuru hazu mo nai noni
negai ga moshimo kanau nara imasugu kimi no moto e
dekinai koto wa mou nani mo nai
subete kakete dakishimete miseru yo

itsudemo sagashiteiruyo dokka ni kimi no kakera wo
tabisaki no mise shinbun no sumi
konna toko ni aru hazu mo nai noni
kiseki ga moshimo okoru nara ima sugu kimi ni misetai
atarashii asa kore kara no boku
ienakatta "suki" to iu kotoba mo

itsudemo sagashiteshimau dokka ni kimi no egao wo
kyuukou machi no fumikiri atari
konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai noni
inochi ga kurikaesu naraba nandomo kimi no moto e
hoshii mono nado mou nani mo nai
kimi no hoka ni taisetsu na mono nado

English Translation
If I lose any more than this, will my heart be forgiven
How much pain before I can see you again
One more time, please don't change the season
One more time to the time when we fool around

When our path cross each other, I am always the first to turn
Making me indulge more in my selfish way
One more chance tripped by memories
One more chance we cannot choose our next place

I am always searching somewhere for you
Opposite of the house, the other side of the alley's window
Even though I know you won't be here
If my wish is to be granted, please bring me to you right now
Betting and embracing everything
To show you there's nothing else I can do

Anybody should be fine if it was just to ease loneliness
Because the stars in the night sky seems like falling, I cant lie to myself
One more time, please dont' change the season
One more time to the time when we fool around

I am always searching somewhere for you
Even at the intersection and dream
Even though I know you won't be here
If miracle was to happen, I want to show it to you right now
A new morning, myself
and the "I love you" which I couldn't say

Summer's memory is revolving
The sudden disappearance of heart beat

I am always searching somewhere for you
At dawn's town, At Sakuragi street
Even though I know you won't come here
If my wish is to be granted, please bring me to you right now
Betting and embracing everything
To show you there's nothing else I can do

I am always searching somewhere for your fragment
At the destination's shop, At the corner of the newspaper
Even though I know you won't be there
If miracle was to happen, I want to show it to you right now
A new morning, myself
And the "I love you" which I couldn't say

I always end up looking somewhere for your smile
At the railway crossing of the fast pace town
Even though I know you won't be here
If life can be repeated, I'll go to you many times over
There's nothing else that I want
Nothing else is more important than you

Source: http://www.animelyrics.com/
Transliterated by akane_echizen
Translated by boolean


Journal 125: The reason to not being honest, which is better.

It has been a long time since I wrote the last post. How am I doing? I am doing good until last week. The turnover event is quite shocking, even for me. It is hard to believe that some people just never listen enough to what others said and make a twist of fate. Let me tell you the story....

I have a regional trip project upcoming next month. apparently, we are going to depart the end of next month. So, we, all of us, classmates, planning for this trip, making the proposal. The truth behind the proposal is, they handle all of it. no words of help.. I don't know... I don't know if they need my help, or it's just they think I won't help them. I'm kind of passive person, I won't offer, unless you ask. and I'm a person with a difficulty to say no, so of course I will help you as long as it's within my capability.


Journal 124: Respect others if you want to be respected, and my flat life (lol)

I have crossed with so many people who wish to be respected but never try to see themselves and respect others first. I hate it when they pointed me as I sometimes don't really answer people to their stupid chatty chat. Sometimes, they speak nonsense. I do speak nonsense, but always in the right time. This person, however, treat people as if they are lower than her. What's with that gesture? petting other's head as if they are your dog? do you wish us to be obedient towards you? it might be my angry side, but seriously, it's not respectful, especially head is the highest part of human. and moreover, with that command tone, do you wish me to follow your order? sorry, I do what I want to do, not because I obey you. It quite angered me, but I tried to forget those things, telling myself that it's so childish to get angry over simple thing (for others).

well, i'm over it now, and i'm in the midst of editing my pic from C2AGE last weekend. :))) so nice that i can take a look of other photographers on how they take pic of dolls. I'm such a sucker for dolls, and yeah, it's not a full body but a close up. I hate close up, cz it's such a waste of the clothes and accessories when you only take the face (I love details, and yeah, that's my habit. *tuktuk*)

cz i haven't finished editing, but i will upload partly that i already edited. hmm. i took some, but not so nice. still learning. teehee. do give me advise on how i should take pic or editing it. your advise and suggestion are much appreciated :)

Boo. so cutee righttt. this pic is still raw, but i like it
I can't wait for holidays to go to some places and take more photos. I love taking photos, not gonna make it as my profession, but it's nice to take pic :) there is a relieve and excitement when you do your hobby.

Oh yaa, last time I went to Reach Out by 1M4U. the concert has Jason Chen, David Choi, Kina Grannis, Madilyn Bailey, and Jun Sung Ahn. just wanna show off some pic. lol
the YouTube artists

my fave. always love random pic. haha. #ReachOut

he threw his shirt, and i feel sad.

duet. :)


Journal 123

dedicated to my beloved grandma...

it is hard to keep a happy demeanor when all you wanna do is cry and don't have to explain for it.

I keep telling myself to keep my cry at home but the emotion always comes out in the wrong time when I am not supposed to cry but my eyes end up red and watery. I hate to explain why I keep feeling sad whenever I am outside because I feel even more lonely in the crowds. As I prayed, I can't stop my mind to think about the past, about the memories. My grandma, for all her glowing kindness and wisdom, I would like to say a proper good bye to her. Sayonara, grandma, hope you are happy above there, hope you will reincarnate and be happy, no regrets, and hope all of our families won't be ongoing grief, as we pray for your happiness, we hope you bless us to be happy too, even without you, that our life will go on, but we won't forget you and keep praying for you.

To tell you the truth, I cried before I knew about the news from my mom. It's just a random feeling that I am feeling lonely and suddenly I just cried without reason. I feel so sad but I dunno why. That time, I thought that I was so lonely, so I forced myself to stop crying and singing instead. But I still kept feeling sad at that time. I went to sleep and the next morning, my mom told me that my grandma passed away. She's our most lovely grandma, the warmest grandma I've ever had. Even remembering her is so hard for me... I just can't stop myself from crying. I miss her already that I can't even say the reason why she's so special. The warmest, nicest, wisest person I've ever seen and very glad to have her. She's also strict, that I remember she is the one who taught me how to write well, with the help of my uncle, I stayed at my grandma's house until I can write well without they needed to push me. She always greet us when we come to visit her, told me and my siblings to not make my mom sad or angry to us, make our parents happy, be a proud child for my parents and the family.

We all love you, grandma

and you know what, it is hard for me not to go back and greet you for the last time. and it is very hard for me to keep my happy face as I don't feel like doing it, I just wanna stay in my room and stop doing anything for a while. it is hard for me to accept the reality but I know, Buddha Dhamma teach us that death is certain, and we shouldn't cling on the sadness of it and let it go. Sabbe sankhara anicca.

I hope you are happy now, free from the dukkha, illness, and know that we all love you so much.

and I was hoping, the time when I remember about you again, grandma, I will smile, because the memories that we share is a happy memories.


Journal 122 : Lost

I feel lost and keep asking
"where am I belong to..."
as if this soul has wandered far away
without the remembrance of its root

as I keep walking
this tears won't come out
as I keep going
I held my head high
strength as my virtue
won't let myself down
even though I am lost

lost will not let me stop
I will keep walking till I find the far end
as if I will stop there



Journal 121 : home...

I miss home... feel so lonely here. hahaha.

I want to go back because I don't feel that I have someone who care for me here. not when I'm feeling so sad like this.

I want to go back home, it is hard to keep standing alone when you just don't have someone to support you by your side.

it feels heavy inside my heart... I just wanna go back home to ease it...
maybe I should just go escape myself

home sweet home

home is where I feel I am belonged
home is where I feel people support me
home is where I feel loved
home is where I am back
home is where I have no heavy feeling
when it is time to go back, I have the destination

home is when you feel lonely,
they got your back,
and make you laugh
home is when you feel the world goes against you,
and these people fighting along side you
home is when I have no power to fight,
and they give their shoulder to lean on

home is where I am belonged....

home sweet home


Journal 120

Hola! I am backkkk~ this is the busiest month everrr in my campus life. Oh yeaa, I am still studying, sorry to disappoint you with my old chatty chat in the previous blog. lol. To be honest, I love being busy. lol. It occupies my mind with things I need to do and I keep moving. That's, maybe, one of the secret, why I became quite fat now (move to another restaurant, doing assignment and eat there. lol)

This time has come for me as a semester 4 college student. hell, so many assignments, project assignment, group assignment, presentation. Give me a break please.

and, ohlala, I understand now why the staff in my internship place there always work overtime. The demand of quotations and how 2 people can handle all the requests and tours and still need to follow up until the end of the tours and the clients go back to their home country, is just a REAL deal! Only asking for quotation for 1 tour (from different travel agent) and I'm already going to be a mad girl. lol. Feeling dizzy already @.@

and, ouch, I don't think I will think about love life lately. I guess my busy-ness diverted my mind from being emo and thinking why I'm still single until now. kkkk. well, love will find its right time. If love can't find me, I'm sure as hell gonna go to sleep and watching movies. the hell with love life, I still have chocolate and sweets to pledge their love to me~ :p

wait, what am I doing now? still watching Harry Potter, pausing it for 2 hours more and browsing about the plot story since I watch it without the subtitle and I didn't get it. Continue to open Fb and chatting with my friends. time to get back to Harry Potter. done with assignment, no class for tomorrow, it's time to relax and finish the face mask that I bought (4 masks actually, and all of them are wash-off masks, it will take a longer time than the expiry time of it)

last but not least, say please and thank you, following by a sweet smile to everyone around you is gonna make someone's day!

have a nice day, everyone! :)))


Journal 119: feisty little lady

Wake up in the morning, feeling like to do anything with my laptop and end up having an urge to update my blog. Nee, it has been a while, right? :D and suddenly I got this idea because of one word "feisty". I never know its meaning until I crossed over it yesterday in a novel and because I was soooo curious of its meaning, I searched it in Google and said: spirited, excitable(?), on the other hand it could be mean, easily angered. well, I think, people who have this feisty character must be full of spirit (me too me too!) and feeling like to change my blog link to that name. lol.

I was very busy lately (finally I admit it


Journal 118: My Internship Story

Sebagaimana yang kita tahu, (ceile, bahasanyaa bukkk), internship itu magang, magang berarti kamu mencoba mencari pengalaman di dunia bekerja, dan namanya magang dan sebagai seorang trainee, gaji kamu bahkan ngga mencukupi buat makan sehari-hari. ngga usah makan, transport pulang pergi tempat kerja aja kadang melebihi gaji kamu, which is di bawah standar UMR. Mending kalo kamu digaji, kalo ngga digaji tapi disuruh-suruh kerja ini itu kayak babu gimana? Ribet kan?

Menurut saya, magang itu adalah dimana orang-orang intelek yang masih fresh graduate <strikethrough> kayak rumput baru dipotong buat dikasih makan sapi</strikethrough) buat nyari pengalaman kerja dengan terjun secara coba-coba di dunia kerja dalam jangka waktu yang pendek. Kalau kamu pikir magang itu sesuai dengan apa yang dikatakan bos atau dari pihak kampusmu, bahwa kamu akan mempelajari banyak hal di suatu perusahaan secara bertahap, sebaiknya kamu jangan berharap lebih dengan memikirkan bahwa dengan sekali magang, kamu akan jago dan menguasai/mengetahui banyak hal dalam bidang industri tersebut, karena kamu bakalan stuck di satu posisi itu, mengerjakan hal yang memang seharusnya kamu kerjakan (which I believe they already planned it for you before you came into the company), terutama kalo company kamu kecil dan ngga banyak karyawannya, kamu bakal jadi pembantu umum/helper. Sebut saja pengalaman saya sekarang, saya membantu semua karyawannya. Dikarenakan perusahaan ini kecil, cuma ada 3 karyawan, salah satunya seorang akuntan. Maka, saya membantu pekerjaan 3 orang ini, dari pergi ke bank, mengirim email, scanning, fotokopi, ngeprint, bikin ringkasan, kirim request ke supplier, saya sampai bingung mau menyelesaikan yang mana dulu. Bos paling tinggi sudah meminta saya mengerjakan ini sampai selesai, karyawan 1 minta saya mengerjakan ini selesai sekarang juga, karyawan 2 dan 3 meminta saya membantu mengerjakan pekerjaan mereka selesai sekarang juga. Saya sampai berpikir bisa tidak saya pakai kagebunshin no jutsu, membelah diri begitu. Padahal saya pikir, kebanyakan yang magang biasanya santai karena gaji tidak begitu besar dan mereka biasanya kurang dipercaya untuk mengerjakan hal penting, tapi kok saya sibuk sekali ya walaupun mengerjakan hal yang kurang penting? hahaha.

Saya akui, magang pertama saya ini, tidak sesuai dengan harapan saya, harapan yang telah dibentuk oleh saya, dan dibangun lebih tinggi oleh bos saya. Bos saya menjanjikan hal2 yang saya inginkan, bahwa saya akan mempelajari segalanya dalam waktu 3 bulan. Nyatanya, bos saya malah sibuk dan dinas melulu, sementara saya masih mengerjakan hal pertama yang dia perintahkan, dimana pekerjaan itu sebenarnya continuous, tidak bisa selesai dengan cepat dan harus di follow up terus, sementara apa yang akan saya pelajari selanjutnya (yang telah direncanakan) pada akhirnya dilupakan begitu saja, dan saya seperti orang yang terpaksa melamar kerja dengan bekerja apa saja demi gaji.

Pesan untuk diri saya sendiri, saya tidak akan berharap lebih terhadap magang. Apapun itu yang dikatakan atasan saya nantinya, saya hanya akan meng-iyakan dan senyumin saja. Saya sudah tidak berharap banyak lagi. Asalkan saya bisa lulus dengan baik dari universitas, saya merasa cukup. Namun, menurut saya, selama magang, kamu akan belajar banyak hal mengenai transisi dari waktu kamu sebagai seorang pelajar hingga menjadi seorang pekerja. Untuk itu, nikmati saja apa yang kamu dapatkan, dan jangan berharap lebih! :)



nyatanya teringat
di hujan itu termenung
selamat tinggal
tak sempat kutanya

lidahku kelu tak dapat berkata
angin terbang pergi membawa memori
ingin kurengkuh ku tak dapat
hanya rindu yang terasa

terbang jauh oh angin
bawa rindu ini bersamamu juga
hingga tak ada rasa sepi di hatiku
kosong pun tak mengapa

sakit. begitu pedih
pedih yang tak terucap
tak terhiaskan oleh kata
hanya ingin pergi


ketika waktu galau pun dipergunakan untuk menulis. haha. ini agak terinspirasi dari film korea "100 Days With Mr. Arrogant" sih. enjoy. komen ya kalo ada kesalahan di pengejaan, ataupun aturannya :)


Journal 117 : Happy New Year

First post in 2014! yeay yeay yeay! First of all, I wanna say, Happy New Year 2014!!! Yohoooo~ hope in this new year, we are all given a very happy, joyous, and prosperous year ahead us. wish everyone a merry christmas 2013 too, couldn't post for December 2013 because I have no internet in my house. it's okay, I didn't feel too frustrated, I enjoy my holiday, spending my time with my family, converse more with them more than what I can do if I still have internet at home.

now, i am back to the place called 2nd home. haha. i have to start my internship after new year, and here i am, 3rd day, drained out of energy. hahaha. i can't even think what I want to write here. actually, i thought of things that I want to post here, but I forgot them already.