Journal 110

Sometimes, I wonder, have I changed in my life? Because everyone tells me that they have changed now, not directly of course. They say, I haven't changed at all, still immature, loud and childish. Well, that time I think, whatever, it is my life, and this is myself. and I was wondering this time, when the earth revolves, and everything's changing, growing, I see myself not wanting to change. I still want to be the same me, and I want everyone around me not changing. but it is inevitable, it is the law, and I told myself, I should change myself too, because it is not likely I would always stay the same. What I found out every time I'm telling myself to change, is, my unwillingness to change myself. back to the beginning again, and I'm unable to change myself. and I told myself again, alternatively, maybe I have changed, it's just I don't realize. and until now, it's still in debate inside my mind. :$

and while I'm sitting in the bus, looking outside the window, (an inspirative look, of course), i was wondering (pardon me, my imagination is wider than my reality), why am I doing what I am doing now. Why people doing what they are doing now. Is it because they think it's the right thing to do, the thing that they must do, or things they want to do. because sometimes we can't distinguish the difference between these 3 questions like we can't really distinguish our expectation and the outcome and the gaps in customer relation management. and I dunno why I love this subject so much now. well, although I'm still suck in my case study of course. okay back to topic. sometimes i feel like i do what i do because i know people expect me to do that. they think it's a right thing for me to do that thing, so i just do it. i know you are confused with my words, but just go on with it. so, now, i want to live to my own life, not to what people expect me to do. i'm actually kind of person who point out directly what is the point in my speak. i might say good things first, but i will stab you directly after the soft talk. before, i just yeah accept everything what people do for me, now i become more bitter (that's what i think what people think of me, maybe), and build a wall between myself and people. i might seems friendly , but you know you can't never be close enough with me as a friend. you know that you don't know me when you don't even know that I like to read books, taking pictures and being alone. i might smile, but inside, i feel sad that i don't really have close friend in campus to chit chat with, when my close friends in high school are somewhere in this world, not being with me now. so, what about you? do you do things that people expect from you, or you do it because it feels right, or you just do it, or you do it because that's what you want to do?

nah, i'm quite 'tall' now with all of the assignments and events all jumbled up in 1 week, that i have to do all things and finish everything before next week deadline. I'm tall nowwwwwwwww. i just know that assignment and exams can be a drugs sometimes, doesn't make you happy but stress instead.

ps: i did not consume any suspicious things during my writing, no worries, i'm just seriously in need of doze of sleep that i might asleep in the bus tomorrow. Teehee

now i'm a fan of Ryan Higa! he's so awesome!

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