Journal 92 : hisashiburi

it has been a long time i write in this blog. usually I produced (?) almost 10 posts every month, but now i rarely write anything because of the activities , campus, assignment, everything messed up , and i don't have any idea what I can share in my blog. and recently, i don't have anything interesting to tell except my loneliness in this foreign country and no friend to tell but writing in this blog. but i didn't want to share it because i don't want everyone who read this blog feel sad or depressed. i just want to share happiness and good news to everyone, because we deserve it. we need to forget the negative part and move on with the positive part, but you know, it's not life if everything is not balance. there is always the negative part, along with the positive part. and i just (now) realized and remembered what the bhante in my vihara before said, life is like a wheel. you will always rotate no matter when, up or down, and maybe my position in my life now is down side, but it's okay. believe that one day you will move to up side, and see the sun shines without need to raise your head up difficultly.

and you know, recently i feel like i start to go far away from everyone, even with my family. i feel like lonely is my friend now. hahaha. no one remember to ask me to go out, no one ask me if i wanna join them for lunch or dinner, no one can accompany me for shopping, i feel sad but also empty. i have no one to share, i have no one to tell. sometimes, i even start to talk to myself. i miss being accompanied, but now that i already went far away and everyone leaves me, i don't know how to start all over again. courtship is hard for me, i'm a happy-all-round type, but not the sociable one. i might greet you in first meeting cheerfully, but i maybe forget your name on the second meeting. and if we never met and suddenly meet again, i might only stare at you because i forgot if i ever talk to you or even ask your name. and in this point, i hope you will smile at me and say your name, and ask if i remember or not. because sometimes, people didn't understand my stare and they will either smile awkwardly or just stare at me back like "whaddya lookin' at, dude?"

by the way, i will have domestic tour this week. i hope that they fill all seats. i dunno what they have done, i appreciate their hard work, but i hope they will less their grumpy comments and complain about everything, even the tiniest little thing. it's annoying, you know, but i keep my mouth shut because i don't wanna make them comment (talk) behind me every time. i know in some other day maybe they talk behind me, gossiping the bad side of me maybe that i'm always alone. yeah, but me too, i think that why i can't ignore what other think about me? it's so stressing. i don't want to know what other thinks about me, but i can't ignore it, even sometimes my imagination is going to high and i even can imagine what they talk about when on the other hand i don't know if they really think the way i think about me. i should start to ignore people's thoughts about me. or not i will go crazy.

i should start to be confident to myself. sometimes i feel so small that i can't even stare at them or answer their question (confrontation). why? why i can't be confident to myself? i feel scared, but in my imagination, i really want to be brave, i want to be a leader, i can give my idea, but in reality, i even can't project it. even today, they didn't want to listen to my explanation, they cut my words. FULLSTOP. please, what i want from people is lemme finish my word. u know what why i like to cut you people? because you cut me first, and i cut you in the same way. but i know you guys will never understand

hah, i think i should stop my anger now. hahaha. i wrote this post with full of anger. and today i reached a conclusion, that i think it's better i stay away from them, and wait for the next semester since i won't meet them again. for others, i think i will try to get along, although i know it would be very difficult, life without challenge won't give you a color and story to tell how you overcome that challenge in heroic way. hehe

have a nice day everyone!

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